The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
