I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
