forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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