Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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