you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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