Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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