one might say we're banned from that church
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
