Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
