I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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