I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
