youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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