remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
