Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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