before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
