airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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