I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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