How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
