he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Drunk is a universal language darling
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