At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
