I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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