So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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