Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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