Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
