Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
