grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
