I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
