Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize