Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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