So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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