yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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