and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
