cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
