dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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