My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So squirting runs in the family.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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