I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.