I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
