I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
