smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
