So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
