Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
