Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
