I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
