I cut my penus on the lid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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