Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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