their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
