R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
