birth control should be required to get into college
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
