He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
