Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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