If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
