I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
