They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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