When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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